Waiting for Laser Cat

Part of the incentive for my recent weight loss was a new wardrobe. The other incentive was the ability to look at my genitals without pushing my stomach to the side.

I promised myself that once my goal had been reached, I can purchase ten t-shirts in my new size (medium) from 6dollarshirts.com. Just as the URL indicates, the website sells graphic tees for six dollars. However the website has an incentive of its own. If you order ten shirts, it’s only fifty bucks (shipping not included). As you can imagine, these comical, pop-cultured garments aren’t of the best quality. My last order was about a year ago and those shirts now look about 12 years old. But hey, that “distressed” look is in anyway, right?

Since my days in high school, I have always been a firm believer that a humorous t-shirt graphic can change the mood of a room and if anything, stirs up interesting conversation. It was with this tried and true conviction that I recently completed another order with the website. The jewel of this upcoming collection, being the Laser Cat.

Not only does Six Dollar Shirts offer hilarity infused into their product, they also carry the same lightheartedness in their customer service. I received an e-mail notification, indicating my order had been filled and shipped. We’re all familiar with these mundane messages. However here’s the creative panache I received from Six Dollar Shirts:

Dear Fernando Pacheco;

Thanks for ordering from 6DollarShirts.com!

Your order was shipped on 09/03/2011 with the United States Postal
Service.

Our minions have looked over and dropped their jaws in awe at the genius
that is your amazing fashion sense. It takes true genius to pick such
impeccable design and color combinations, so naturally our crews’ first
instincts were to wear Kennedy masks, stick your order under their shirts
and flee. Luckily shock collars and therefore self-restraint have been put
to use and your order is safely packaged.

After the shocking and ‘Don’t tase me, bro’s were over, a ceremonial
candle was lit and suddenly the entire 6dollarshirts crew felt a massive
amount of dopamine release in their brains as our shipping specialist
tenderly placed the shipping label containing the following request:

We know you’re eager, but please note that you may not be able to track
your order until up to 24 hours after the postmark date.

As the package was sent on its way to you, our entire staff skipped out
into the street and did a full out 5-minute Von Trapp family dance routine
as we sang “So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu,
Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu,” in 18-part harmony.

For the grand finale, Juggy hit the final “Goodbye” note and did a
cartwheel landing in a split.

We hope you enjoyed shopping on our website as much as we enjoyed
packaging and sending you your goods. We also hope this shipment
notification won’t leave you wondering where your package is as the
6dollarshirts Crew was VERY thorough with their shipping instructions.

Please practice precautions upon the arrival of your 6dollarshirts. Side
effects include but are not limited to: Larger biceps, defined cheek
bones, increased sexual prowess, thick luscious.. hair, attaining wealth,
promotions at work, rapid increase of IQ points, winning lottery numbers,
fat loss and double rainbows.

Want to be famous? E-mail sick and sexified pictures of yourself rocking
our shirts to info@6dollarshirts.com to be featured on our
blog/FB/website/billboards/music videos/award ceremonies/etc.

Blogoceros: 6dollarshirts.com/news
Tweet Tweet Tweedle Dee: @ twitter.com/6dollarshirts
Face-like us here: facebook.com/sixdollarshirts
Every day we’re tumblin’: 6dollarshirts.tumblr.com

-MacKensie at ThreadPit and 6Dollar Shirts.

The Test of the Plain White Tee

When is it time to get back in shape? I believe mother nature gives us many signs. Of course there’s the major signs, like strokes and/or heart attacks. However there are simpler ones to be found.

In my stand-up comedy act, I talk about one of the signs is to watch my “man-boob” while rubbing on deodorant. While applying my Degree “Arctic Blast” or whatever its called, my man-boob would jump around like a nervous eye ball… kind of like the eye of Sauron in Lord of the Rings. You know, right after Frodo tosses the ring into the lava pit.

Another easy indicator for me is my knees and ankles. Once my BMI is well within its “obese” stage, the joints in my lower extremities start to ache and at times, even give out.

But in the case where your pecs are in place and are blessed with healthy joints, there is still the test of the plain white tee. No, I’m not talking about a crappy pop band. Get a plain white t-shirt and pop that sucker on. Be sure that there’s no graphic on the shirt because that will easily distract you from the matter at hand. Once that white cotton blend is draped over your upper half, take a look at yourself in the mirror. You will now be dealing with two things that don’t lie… a plain white tee and a mirror. If you like the overall shape you see, then great. I’m happy for you. If you’re disgusted at what you see, welcome to my club.

I was low on laundry last night and all that was left was a plain white tee for my sleep attire. Yes, I am disgusted by the shape my body creates. However I was still able to sleep that night because I know that I’m doing something about it. I’m currently calorie counting and having fun doing it. I’ve lost about 12-13 pounds so far. I won’t get too into the details of my diet until I’ve reached my goal, which is to lose 28 pounds.

Until then, I’ll be using this plain white tee to spot check myself every week or so.

Daddy: Year 1

Tonight my baby girl went to bed clutching a Lego, a doll, and a bottle of milk. Not too different from every other night except that when she wakes up tomorrow, she’ll be one year old.

It was one year ago where I nervously laid on a cot in our delivery room, tweeting updates and reading encouraging text messages from friends and family. From that moment on, it was a series of milestones: First bath, first car ride home, first solid poop, first swim, first time eating solids, first tooth, and first word.

As my wife feverishly bakes cupcakes for my daughter’s first birthday and I load tables, tents and chairs into our car, I think about the way I’ve also changed in the past year. Not milestones per se, but rather unforeseen developments in taste and physicality.

Before Baby:
t-shirt size – medium
favorite band – Mighty Mighty Bosstones
favorite tv show – Family Guy
bedtime – 3am
nightcap – Jack & Coke

After Baby:
t-shirt size – large
favorite band – Imagination Movers
favorite tv show – Yo Gabba Gabba
bedtime – 11:58pm
nightcap – orange juice

Basically, you start liking what your kids like. Your baby can’t run around at the park yet so you just stay home and change diapers. You feel like the world’s largest a-hole if you feed your baby breakfast with a raging hangover.

I welcome these changes and the many blessing that having a little one brings. However, I look forward to doing more physical activities with her in the future. I can’t afford to go up another t-shirt size.