First Tears of 2012

I’ve performed on stages all over the world but yesterday had to be the most nerve-racking and meaningful performance of my life. It was my daughter’s first PIMPBOT show.

As a temperamental toddler, approaching her “terrible twos,” I was prepared for any reaction to my performance… so I thought. As I looked back at my drummer to count in the first song, our show started like any other. I said greeted the audience over the song’s intro and scanned over the audience. As I held my trombone to my lips, I focused on my daughter front and center. She stared right at me and started shaking her hips. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. Behind my Wayfarer sunglasses, tears began to well.

I’ve never had to sing while trying to hold back tears. I found out what happens is that you end up singing horribly. I mentally scrambled to regain composure. A song later, I missed a verse. Luckily my band is talented to recover and had no idea what was wrong with me. They were probably thinking, “Geez, is he THAT hammered?”

Since that performance 12 hours ago, I’ve been wondering what brought on this emotional breakdown. As far as I can conclude, it was just a ton of emotions surging through me at once and it was more than I could bear. Here were a few of the things running through my mind.

Ultimate Approval: Musicians have their own versions of success that drive them. For some, it’s landing a record deal. For others, it’s just scoring a couple of free drinks and getting laid that night. My views of musical success have changed throughout my career. However, I realized yesterday that having my own flesh and blood approving music that I’ve been working on for over a decade is the only success I care about. With each hip movement, I realized that it was all worth it – the late night practices, the grueling tours, everything. The blood sweat and tears of my career were suddenly validated with a few simple hip movements. Imagine that.

Three Women: I am only the man I am today because of the women in my life. Without the support of my wife, daughter and mother, I have no motivation whatsoever. From the makeshift stage, I was able to see all three of them in one glance. I looked at these three beautiful, strong-willed, women and I realized how lucky I am to have them in my life. Because of them, I am unstoppable.

Pride: I’m not sure what a father is supposed to be like. I’ve never had one. Christians have always told me that it’s okay because I have a heavenly father. I’m sure that’s fun to say but have you ever tried playing a game of catch with your heavenly father? He doesn’t catch the ball when you throw it. I’ve been winging this whole dad thing for two years and I’m guessing I’m at the very least doing better than my dad because… well… I’m here. When I look at my daughter, sometimes I get upset that she doesn’t have any grandfathers that claim her. However I’m proud of myself for showing her a love that was instilled in me from my family. I pour my love onto her daily. I want her to know how special she is and that she is capable of doing anything. Any sign of joy in her heart, whether it be a smile, an excited scream or dance, is a tenfold return. She is learning new things everyday and I’m proud of the smart and adorable little girl that she is turning into.

After the show, I walked my mother back to her car and shared my experience that I just had on stage. She told me she knows exactly what I’m talking about. She says she feels the same thing when she watches me perform.

Circle of life, I suppose.

Happy Martin Luther King Day.

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7 comments

  1. You go, Baby Daddy! What a great blog entry. Lola is lucky that a man like you gets to be her dad. Daughters, children, are great. They pluck at those strings we have deep inside, they are a reason we live so passionately, they show us truth behind love. We learn these things about ourselves only because we have children to show us.Parenthood consists of a secret plane no single or childless person can imagine, yet we welcome them to taste its nectar. The primacy of our very being is taught to us by our children.

  2. You are a wonderful Father and a great Brother. It is up to us to change the past and make the future better for our children. When it comes time for me to step up to the plate I hope that I can bring the same passion you do with our family. Keep on rockin! Love you brother.

  3. Awesome Fern 🙂 It’s funny how drastically we transform into superhuman people when we are blessed with a child. You are everything she’s going to look for in a man. Your Heavenly Father may have never played catch with you, but he never lost sight of you and guided you without your knowing it. You are who you are today because of the life your wonderful mother raised you in and you will pass the lessons on that she taught to you. God is as in love with you as you are with your baby girl. You knew me back in the day, what a different person I was then; in 2004 I started seeking a better me for my daughter and I found God, and life has never been the same. Give God a chance, seek Him and see what He is all about. What’ve you got to loose?
    “You people must not afflict any widow or fatherless boy. If you should afflict him at all, then if he cries out to me at all, I shall unfailingly hear his outcry; and my anger will indeed blaze, and I shall certainly kill you with the sword, and your wives must become widows and your sons fatherless boys.” ~Exodus 22:22-24
    Love you Fern! Much aloha and blessings to your family!!
    Aloha,
    Cat

  4. You are a truly blessed man, father, and husband. I know that it’s the ones that love you that can give you exactly what you need/want in life.

    What you wrote was so full of feeling – that it brought me to tears.

    Cherish your loved ones…

    Robyn

  5. Just like you turned out great without the presence of your father, Lola will turn out great without the presence of a grandfather. You had your mom. Lola has you and Sarah. There’s no doubt in my mind that you are doing an amazing job as a father. Lola is one of those rare kids who you can tell is destined for eternal greatness and happiness even at such a young age. I know that you will always love her unconditionally and that’s all you need to do, even though I know you will do so much more for her.

    How true you are about having those women in your life. I have definitely been feeling that void the last 3-4 years. I can make due on my own and find happiness in my own ways, but having someone there at the end of the day always makes me feel more fulfilled and complete. I’m glad you found your someone.

    I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors, but I heard that the Heavenly Father throws like a girl, so you’re not missing out on much. If you ever need to play catch (or shoot hoops) let me know.

    Thanks for a beautiful entry Fernando. And I can’t speak for your family, but you inspire me on a regular basis, so I’m sure you are doing more than enough to keep them moving in the right direction. Keep up the great work.

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