The fernrocks guide to screen repair

Zombie ScreenIt could have been from an ambitious gecko. It could have been from Dora the Explorer being pressed into the window one too many times. Regardless, there was now a hole in one of our screen windows and it was up to daddy to strap on the imaginary tool belt and play Mr. Fixit.

The hole was a little smaller than the size of a quarter and so I felt a patch repair would be appropriate. This was, of course until I walked into Home Depot. After aimlessly wandering for 15-20 minutes, I finally found an orange-vested human to help me locate their screens. My memory is a little hazy, but I swear their screens were being kept in some area that would be the last place to look… like with their ceiling fans or something.

Mr. Orange Vest asked me which type of screen I was looking for and I explained that I’m just looking to patch a hole. This was about when he looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

“Well, there’s no such thing as a screen patch so you’ll have to replace the entire screen. That is, unless you wanna patch it with a needle and thread.” [insert sinister chuckle here]

By then, I knew he was full of crap so I proceeded to let him belittle me in front of my family and nodded along until he walked away. I walked about 8 ft further down the aisle to find a pack of screen patches. That man should be stripped of his vest and flogged with it.

screen patchesThe back of the package gives instructions that are pretty easy to follow. Ideally you’d want to remove the frame from the window fixture so that it’s easier to work on. However all of my home repair projects involve a three-year-old wanting to assist in every step of the way. I decided to keep the frame in the fixture and let her assist me.

Phifer Inc’s screen patches have bendable hooks. Just place the patch over the damaged area and then bend the hooks to secure firmly. I had my little helper hold the screen in place while I went to the other side of the window to bend the hooks down. Obviously, this method only works if the window is on the bottom floor.

Barbie ScreenAfter the hooks are bent, you’re done! No tools needed. The hardest part was dealing with the idiot at Home Depot. I guess step one of this guide would be to go to Lowe’s.

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